I turned 21 when my friend and I had a conversation about who's gonna lose their virginity first or whether we would really keep it until wedding day to pop a cherry. At that time we didn't even sure the concept of virginity or why does it matter so much especially to women. All that we know, after being a porn-expert, was sex might be fun and we're eager to try it one day.
Two years after that talk, we graduated from college but none of us ever had sex.
Until one day, not long ago after I had my first job, I questioned the concept or virginity.
I still remember spending some nights searching on the website about why virginity should matter so much to women. That was before my first encounter with a guy I knew from work. He stole my first kiss when I wasn't even ready to have it. And what I thought about a sweet love story between me and him was never happened because he was someone else's boyfriend at the first place.
We had some talk about things going on between us that I was still a virgin and I wasn't ready and how he thought we were just having fun with no feeling involved between us. I had the feeling of being used at that time and I feel very confuse about what was happening with me.
Another month after the last time I met him, I sort of figure out what was happening. And I took every note of what I thought about it that night. What makes a girl still virgin, and why should it matter to people.
The Myth of Hymen
The first keyword I typed was: what was virginity. And I went straight to a Wikipedia page about virginity. It stated that the word 'Virgin' derives from Old-French that mean young women or maiden. It was a term for women who are sexually inexperienced. Now it referred to people who never had sexual intercourse.
(picture credit: tumblr)
But most of our old or traditional belief still refer to a presence of women's hymen to define whether girls are still a virgin or not. Well, there are a reason for this false-belief because hymen could be damaged because of non-sexual act. Coincidentally (or not) Hymen was the name of a god in Greek Mythology. Hymen was god of marriage, that means he was supposed to attend every wedding. If Hymen did not come to a wedding, it would cause disaster to their marriage.
Coincidence?
Hymen is a membrane that surrounds or partially cover external vagina opening. The shape, thickness and color of hymen would not be the same to every women. Some women would not have a hymen at all. So it's kinda sad to say that the undamaged hymen define a virginity of women. And that also explains why women's first experience having vaginal intercourse by penis would be different. Some would bleed while other women would not. So checking the presence of blood on your bed sheet after you had sex would not define anything. Or you even probably wouldn't lose it on top of your bed.
So hymen clearly had nothing to do with virginity.
Sexually Innocent
Now let's assume that you lose virginity after you have vaginal intercourse or penile penetration. But what about any other sexual act like fingering, cunnilingus, or fellatio? What makes vaginal intercourse different than any other sexual act? For some lesbian and gay couple, they even didn't need vagina or penis to have sex. But they still have sex. Does that consider as losing a virginity?
Though I could agree at some point that sex revolved around our reproduction organs; penis and vagina. And it feels different than another touch on other part of our body.
Virginity is social construct, and not a medical condition. It's a concept that has to do with social norms and beliefs.
Following what the Wikipedia said about virginity is that some people (women and men) considered virgin if they are still sexually innocent (do not know about it and never have involved in sexual act). Now my next question is, is it really good not to know about sex?
Do we really need to wait until married and then voila you had your first sex before knowing anything about it.
"It is not about moral issues, it's educating them to understand their body and about sex itself."
The Purpose of Sex
People still consider sex as a taboo thing to talk but they know the fact that many of young people has involved in sexual act but they knew almost nothing about it because they never really had the talk. We can't hide from the fact that people still have sex even though the society tells them not to do it before married. Moreover, preventing them from having sex would not solve anything really.
The problem young people have is not they're doing sex but they don't know why they have sex and why is it so pleasurable, and what other things they should consider before having one. It is not about moral issues, it's educating them to understand their body and about sex itself. So when they engaged in sexual act, they are fully aware of the consequences and be responsible of what they've done.
As religion told me, the purpose of sex is procreation, though it is still debatable. But I think it isn't the only purpose. Women or men who have difficulties having children still have the right to have sex. And supposedly sex was only for procreation, any sexual act between unmarried couple or people who didn't love each other would be right. And sex would not be so pleasurable.
Sex is for pleasure and fulfillment, whether it is to fulfill desires or passion toward someone or adding some intimacy to your relationship. I would never believe having sex with stranger without intimacy would feel really good. Though, you can still have sex with a complete stranger.
When you love someone, the sex would help building intimacy and attachment to your partner as the feeling release oxytocin hormones that act as a neurotransmitter in your brain that makes you feel attach to someone you love. But love and sex aren't the same thing. Though, love and sex also releases dopamine, also a neurochemical in your brain, that gives an addictive feeling.
That's why when you just fall in love you want to spend days and night talking with your partner and you feel very attached to them. Because there are some neurotransmitter taking part in this action such as, dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin. Click here for more fun information about your brain on love.
Before Sex
Disclaimer: I am not against pre-marital sex. I just think that having sex with someone or more people has so much to do with the sense of responsibility. So before having sex, people have to learn and educate themselves. Sex is a matter of choice and when you're not ready, you should not have one.
(picture credit: hollywoodlife.com)
1. Having Baby
Sex doesn't always equal with reproduction. Though every vaginal intercourse/penile penetration may cause pregnancy. And pregnancy lead to a bigger problem whether you want to keep it or lose the baby. When you want to keep it, you have to be more emotionally and financially stable to raise a child.
But when you're not ready to have it and prefer to lose the baby, educate yourself about the consequences you have and whether it would affect your body or your uterus, especially when you plan to have children in the future.
People have the right to do anything with their body. They can do abortion or they can choose pro-life. It's their choice, they just have to be aware of their choices.
To prevent unwanted pregnancy, the easiest thing you can do is having condom or taking birth control. But then again birth control medication would have a side effect. Consult to your doctor would be the best way.
The more natural way to prevent unwanted pregnancy is to have sex when the women are not fertile. Women (Men too) should be able to count and predict the time when they're fertile or not, either to plan a pregnancy or to prevent it.
Lastly, do a coitus interruptus or a pull-out method. For this method, we count on you guys to be aware when you're about to come. Though it's not the best way because sometime the pre-cum would still contain sperm.
2. STDs
Whether you're normal or have fetishes or a nymphomaniac, you have to be cautious with STDs. I recommend using condom to prevent yourself from getting STDs. Ask your partner about their sexual history. Having yourself checked is probably the best.
3. Is it hurt?
It depends. Every people have different experience for their first time. Some women also produces more lubricant in their vagina that would make the first intercourse less hurt. The idea is to be comfortable and relax with whoever your partner is therefore you need lots of foreplay. Talk to your partner which part of your body is more sensitive or makes you feel good.
For some it doesn't hurt at all. The key is to understand your body first before giving your partner to do the work.
5. Vanilla Sex vs Kinky stuff
Again, talk with your partner. It may be your first time, but it was your partner's 3rd or 5th times. Ask your partner about what kind of sex they're into. When it was your first time, you're probably not ready to do some kinky stuff and prefer a sweet vanilla sex. Then do it the old-fashion way. The feeling is still good though.
And do tell your partner what you don't like to do. Well if you're curious, it might worth the try but stop when you feel you didn't like it.
6. Consent
Sex without consent is rape. A forced sex happened between married couple is still consider rape. And therefore consent is more important than the ring on finger when you have sex. Consent means both of you (or whether it is involving 3-10 people in the act) agree to do it.
Don't buy what you watch on the porn films. Those are professional porn actors and actress, and they have consent to do it. Though you might perceive it otherwise.
Ticket to Ride
Sex is pleasurable and great but it involves your mind, body, and soul. It is more important to be not so innocent before having sex than get confused on your first experience.
And I really wish there would be more sex education than just telling young people to stop having sex.
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